Month: December 2020
Three Pillars of Permanent Happiness
New research in psychology sheds light on the factors that shape our happiness.
We spend a large portion of our lives searching for things that make us happy.
What works? That depends, but psychologists and happiness researchers have identified a few common elements that tend to be found in happy people. Here are three recent findings from the field of happiness science that may help guide you to a brighter, happier future.
Pillar #1: Be autonomous
Money can’t buy happiness. But research generally shows a positive association between income and happiness.
What might we learn from high wealth individuals about how to optimize our own happiness? One insight comes from research exploring the way wealthy people choose to work and spend their time.
Scientists at Maastricht University, Harvard Business School, and Vrije Universiteit, Amsterdam surveyed 863 high net worth individuals and 1,232 non-high net worth individuals, looking for similarities and differences in the way the wealthy spent their time, and how this influenced their happiness.
They found fewer differences between the wealthy and non-wealthy than they expected. For instance, both groups spent approximately the same amount of time engaging in leisure activities, working and commuting, and using their phone and computer.
There was one key difference that emerged, however. The scientists found that millionaires were more likely to spend time on work activities that offered more personal autonomy — that is, work they decided to do themselves instead of following the guidance of others. This was shown to relate to higher life satisfaction.
Another interesting finding was that millionaires tended to spend more time engaging in “active” leisure pursuits (for example, praying, socializing, exercising, and volunteering) while non-millionaires engaged in more passive leisure activities (watching TV, napping and resting, and doing nothing).
Pillar #2: Tune into your “sense of mattering”
Happiness comes in two forms. There is in-the-moment happiness, which is derived from things that give us immediate pleasure, like eating a chocolate bar or taking a hot shower on a cold day. There’s also the related idea of life meaning, fulfillment, or reflective happiness. We experience this type of happiness when we reach a milestone or create something we are proud of. It may not be as state-altering as in-the-moment happiness, but its effects can be just as potent, especially in the long run.
While both types of happiness are important, the science suggests that life meaning becomes more important to us over time. Fortunately, a recent paper published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology offers guidance on how to improve it.
“Meaning is the web of connections, understandings, and interpretations that help us comprehend our experience and formulate plans directing our energies to the achievement of our desired future,” state the researchers, led by Vlad Costin of the University of Sussex. “Meaning provides us with the sense that our lives matter, that they make sense, and that they are more than the sum of our seconds, days, and years.”
From this definition, the researchers extracted three core themes: coherence, purpose, and mattering. They are defined below.
Coherence refers to the process of making sense of the world and one’s experiences in it. Feeling a “sense of order” and “comprehensibility” are key facets of life coherence.
Purpose describes the feeling of having a life goal, or multiple life goals, and working towards those goals. It is understood as a future-oriented motivational state and involves having a vision for how one’s future should be.
Mattering refers to the belief that one’s actions are making a difference in the world and that one’s life is significant and worth living.
The scientists tested which of these three factors might be most predictive of life meaning. Using a sample of 126 British adults, they found that mattering was most strongly associated with life meaning. Purpose was also predictive of life meaning but to a lesser extent. Coherence, on the other hand, appeared to be more of a consequence of life meaning than a cause.
How should we go about improving our sense of mattering? While there’s no easy answer, a good place to start is by thinking about the questions that define the concept of mattering. They are: “my life is inherently valuable,” “even a thousand years from now, it would still matter whether I existed or not,” “whether my life ever existed matters even in the grand scheme of the universe,” and “I am certain that my life is of importance.”
Other research suggests that mattering is especially important in our professional lives. Employees who scored higher on the agree-disagree scale below, for instance, expressed higher job satisfaction and engagement.
- My work contributes to my organization’s success.
- The quality of my work makes a real impact on my organization.
- My work influences my organization’s functioning.
- My organization praises my work publicly.
- My co-workers praise my work.
- I am well known for the quality of my work in my organization.
- My work has made me popular in my workplace.
“When employees feel like they matter to their organization, they are more satisfied with their jobs and life, more likely to occupy leadership positions, more likely to be rewarded and promoted, and less likely to quit,” state the authors of this research, led by Andrew Reece of the company, BetterUp, and David Yaden of the University of Pennsylvania. “These findings lend weight to the basic value of mattering in organizational contexts.”
Pillar #3: When it comes to happiness, age is on your side
Youth, they say, is wasted on the young. Fortunately, the same cannot be said about happiness.
Most research suggests that happiness, well-being, and life satisfaction increase gradually from early adulthood to middle age. And, a recent study published in the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science echoes this finding with respect to optimism.
To arrive at this conclusion, researchers at the University of California, Davis, analyzed data from a large sample of U.S. adults between the ages of 26 and 71. At four time points across a seven-year period, participants were asked to complete the Life Orientation Test, a widely used and validated measure of optimism. A modified version of the Life Orientation Test is shown below.
- In uncertain times, I usually expect the best.
- If something can go wrong for me, it probably won’t.
- I’m always optimistic about my future.
- I mostly expect things to go my way.
- I often count on good things happening to me.
- Overall, I expect more good things to happen to me than bad.
The researchers used people’s responses from this scale to plot the trajectory of optimism across the lifespan. Consistent with prior work, they found optimism to be lowest in people’s 20s, then rise steadily into people’s 30s and 40s, peaking in people’s 50s, and gradually declining after that. Specifically, it was at age 55 that people experienced the highest levels of optimism.
“We found that the trajectory of optimism from ages 26 to 71 was characterized by normative age-graded increases, at a rate of about .15 standard deviations per decade, before plateauing around age 55,” state the researchers. “Together, these findings suggest that the development of optimism across the adult lifespan follows an inverted U shape, with a peak in late midlife, similar to other positive personality traits such as self-esteem and satisfaction with life.”
Conclusion: New psychological research suggests that autonomy, mattering, and age are three important components of happiness. While the age component will take care of itself, it’s up to you to guide your life in a direction that will enhance your sense of mattering and autonomy.
Article Link: Three Pillars of Permanent Happiness
How to cultivate a sense of unconditional self-worth
Researchers identify the personality markers found in well-adjusted individuals.
There are hundreds if not thousands of traits psychologists use to describe someone’s personality. A person can be gentle, nervous, modest, or conscientious. Someone can be demanding, independent, vain, or risk-taking.
Which traits are most likely to be found in psychologically “healthy” individuals? A team of researchers led by Weibke Bleidorn of the University of California, Davis attempted to answer this question in a new paper published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. They found that high levels of openness to feelings, positive emotions, and straightforwardness, combined with low levels of neuroticism, were most indicative of a healthy personality.
“Scholars have been interested in characterizing a healthy personality prototype since the beginning of the scientific study of personality,” state Bleidorn and her team. “The father of modern personality trait theory, Gordon Allport, distinguished the ‘mature person’ based on their intentional pursuit of long-term goals. […] Erik Erikson famously claimed that Sigmund Freud described the healthy person as someone who can love and work.”
Bleidorn and her team added a contemporary twist to this age-old question. In their first study, they recruited 137 personality experts to rate which of 30 commonly used personality traits would appear in psychologically stable individuals. They found that experts rated openness to feelings, warmth, positivity, and straightforwardness as the traits most likely to appear in well-adjusted individuals. Hostility, depressiveness, vulnerability, and anxiousness, on the other hand, were rated as least likely to be found in well-adjusted individuals.
Below is the full list of personality traits, ranked high to low on their likelihood of describing a psychologically “healthy” individual:
- Openness to Feelings
- Warmth
- Positive Emotions
- Straightforwardness
- Competence
- Altruism
- Activity
- Openness to Values
- Tender-Mindedness
- Dutifulness
- Gregariousness
- Self-Discipline
- Order
- Achievement
- Deliberation
- Openness to Aesthetics
- Assertiveness
- Trust
- Compliance
- Openness to Ideas
- Modesty
- Openness to Fantasy
- Excitement-Seeking
- Openness to Actions
- Self-consciousness
- Impulsivity
- Anxiousness
- Vulnerability
- Depressiveness
- Hostility
Next, the researchers repeated this exercise with a group of undergraduate students. They found a high degree of consistency between the ratings of the personality experts and the undergraduates, suggesting that the personality traits associated with psychological health can be identified by laypeople and experts alike.
The researchers then put their profile of the psychologically “healthy” individual to the test. They did this by measuring how well their “healthy” profile lined up with other psychological dimensions such as well-being, self-esteem, aggression, and narcissism. Examining survey responses from over 3,000 individuals, they found support for their predictions: Psychologically healthy individuals scored higher on psychological dimensions associated with superior psychological functioning (e.g., self-esteem, self-concept clarity, and optimism) and lower on dimensions associated with psychological dysfunction (e.g., exploitativeness, aggression, and antisocial behavior).
The authors conclude, “Similar to Carl Rogers’ portrayal of the ‘fully functioning’ person, the psychologically healthy person can be characterized as being capable to experience and express emotions, straightforward, warm, friendly, genuine, confident in their own abilities, emotionally stable, and fairly resilient to stress. […] This research integrates a number of historical threads in the literature on optimal human personality configurations and provides a practical means for future research on this important and interesting topic.”
Article Link: How to cultivate a sense of unconditional self-worth
4 Traits Found in Psychologically "Healthy" Individuals
Researchers identify the personality markers found in well-adjusted individuals.
There are hundreds if not thousands of traits psychologists use to describe someone’s personality. A person can be gentle, nervous, modest, or conscientious. Someone can be demanding, independent, vain, or risk-taking.
Which traits are most likely to be found in psychologically “healthy” individuals? A team of researchers led by Weibke Bleidorn of the University of California, Davis attempted to answer this question in a new paper published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. They found that high levels of openness to feelings, positive emotions, and straightforwardness, combined with low levels of neuroticism, were most indicative of a healthy personality.
“Scholars have been interested in characterizing a healthy personality prototype since the beginning of the scientific study of personality,” state Bleidorn and her team. “The father of modern personality trait theory, Gordon Allport, distinguished the ‘mature person’ based on their intentional pursuit of long-term goals. […] Erik Erikson famously claimed that Sigmund Freud described the healthy person as someone who can love and work.”
Bleidorn and her team added a contemporary twist to this age-old question. In their first study, they recruited 137 personality experts to rate which of 30 commonly used personality traits would appear in psychologically stable individuals. They found that experts rated openness to feelings, warmth, positivity, and straightforwardness as the traits most likely to appear in well-adjusted individuals. Hostility, depressiveness, vulnerability, and anxiousness, on the other hand, were rated as least likely to be found in well-adjusted individuals.
Below is the full list of personality traits, ranked high to low on their likelihood of describing a psychologically “healthy” individual:
- Openness to Feelings
- Warmth
- Positive Emotions
- Straightforwardness
- Competence
- Altruism
- Activity
- Openness to Values
- Tender-Mindedness
- Dutifulness
- Gregariousness
- Self-Discipline
- Order
- Achievement
- Deliberation
- Openness to Aesthetics
- Assertiveness
- Trust
- Compliance
- Openness to Ideas
- Modesty
- Openness to Fantasy
- Excitement-Seeking
- Openness to Actions
- Self-consciousness
- Impulsivity
- Anxiousness
- Vulnerability
- Depressiveness
- Hostility
Next, the researchers repeated this exercise with a group of undergraduate students. They found a high degree of consistency between the ratings of the personality experts and the undergraduates, suggesting that the personality traits associated with psychological health can be identified by laypeople and experts alike.
The researchers then put their profile of the psychologically “healthy” individual to the test. They did this by measuring how well their “healthy” profile lined up with other psychological dimensions such as well-being, self-esteem, aggression, and narcissism. Examining survey responses from over 3,000 individuals, they found support for their predictions: Psychologically healthy individuals scored higher on psychological dimensions associated with superior psychological functioning (e.g., self-esteem, self-concept clarity, and optimism) and lower on dimensions associated with psychological dysfunction (e.g., exploitativeness, aggression, and antisocial behavior).
The authors conclude, “Similar to Carl Rogers’ portrayal of the ‘fully functioning’ person, the psychologically healthy person can be characterized as being capable to experience and express emotions, straightforward, warm, friendly, genuine, confident in their own abilities, emotionally stable, and fairly resilient to stress. […] This research integrates a number of historical threads in the literature on optimal human personality configurations and provides a practical means for future research on this important and interesting topic.”
Article Link: Emotional Connections Make Us Healthier
Emotional Connections Make Us Healthier
It turns out that when partners embrace their attachment needs they are happier.
Researchers have been taking a deep dive into the emotional needs of adults. This is changing beliefs around grown-up attachment needs. It seems that wanting deep connectedness with a partner is not a sign of immaturity, weakness, or (the dreaded) co-dependency. Instead, studies show our emotional needs are an integral and healthy part of our adult operating system and compel us to create secure attachments. This is important because loneliness can be as detrimental to our health as obesity or smoking 15 cigarettes are day.
Sue Johnson’s research and therapeutic model Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) confirms the need for adults in romantic relationships to trust their partner has their back and will come when called. Basically, to attach. Her book Hold Me Tight guides couples in expressing these needs in loving ways without painful “dances” that involve criticizing, withdrawing, silence, and poking. Brené Brown is removing the stigma and shame of vulnerability (see her Ted talk), Dick Swartz’s Internal Family Systems model helps our exiled and judged parts integrate and be Self-led, and the late Candace Pert who produced more than 250 research articles explores how internal organs hold emotion.
The benefits of having a healthy secure attachment to one’s romantic partner are clear and include:
- Having trusting, lasting relationships.
- The tendency to have good self-esteem.
- Comfort with sharing feelings with partners and friends.
- The ability to seek out social support.
According to John Bowlby 9, father of attachment theory, we all need these four characteristics of attachment:
- Proximity Maintenance. The desire to be near the people we are attached to.
- Safe Haven. Returning to the attachment figure for comfort and safety in the face of a fear or threat.
- Secure Base. The attachment figure acts as a base of security from which the child can explore the surrounding environment.
- Separation Distress. Anxiety that occurs in the absence of the attachment figure.
Changing cultural norms and technology produces artistic diversity as seen in the works of Rembrandt, Chagall, Dali, Yayoi Kusama, and others, and knowledge of human nature evolves as well. The mores of the time, therapeutic skill, and resources such as education and research funding all contribute to advances in the field of psychology and expand our knowledge of human nature.
As a result, our understanding of our emotional needs evolves. We learn how to be more emotionally connected and relational.
Here’s an example you may relate to: You are feeling shut down from an interaction with your partner. You get courageous and say, “I felt hurt when you looked at your phone while I shared my hard day at work. I’m going to have dinner by myself.”
The other person (using reflective listening) might say, “Hon, I hear that you felt hurt when I looked at my phone and now you just want to be by yourself. I imagine you feel dismissed and ignored. Did I get you?” The hurt partner would probably say “yes”, happy to get acknowledgement rather than defensiveness or being judged as “too” sensitive. But that acknowledgement wouldn’t really assuage their emotional distress. Their partner reflected their words and offered understanding of the emotions being felt, but missed their deeper, more complex emotional and somatic impact.
With an emotionally connected approach you “get into” the other’s feelings thru actual empathy, like this:
“Oh, hon, so you’re hurting and feeling really dismissed and unimportant because I didn’t stay focused on you as you shared an important and distressing part of your day. Reliving that work stress and bringing it to me probably made those vulnerable feelings come back and you hoped to get some comfort from me. Instead I stopped listening and looked at my phone. You must have felt worried in that moment and questioned whether you’re important to me. And now you don’t feel safe to be together tonight. Is that how it is? I’m sorry, it was careless of me to treat what you were saying so casually. What happens in your day matters to me.”
Then, the other might say, “Yes, I felt let down and worried that my day was less important to you than checking out a text. I get it, though: Notification sounds can be compelling and it’s easy to be distracted. Next time I have something important to tell you I’ll suggest we put our phones on silent so we can really be here for each other.”
Being open to your partner’s distress without explaining or getting defensive is validating and so it becomes safer for them to relax and know they are not alone.
Now, instead of an evening in separate rooms and maybe even separate beds, there’s a good chance the evening can progress with each person feeling that their “person” gets them and has their back. There’s been a repair of the ruptured connection.
This kind of talking takes patience and practice. There can be a lot of shame in admitting we feel hurt. We are taught that adults are self-reliant and handle things on their own, and that doing otherwise is “co-dependent,” so we can feel shy and awkward when admitting to needs that seem vulnerable and young.
Our head can offer benign reasons for hurtful behavior, but our gut doesn’t sooth by labeling feelings as insecure, needy, or weak. It needs connection to relax.
Exploring attachment needs can transform your relationship. Acknowledging vulnerable feelings can actually make your relationship stronger. A trained therapist who practices Emotionally Focused Therapy can help.
As Adam Dianner says: Have the courage to dare.
Article Link: Emotional Connections Make Us Healthier
5 Qualities to Look for in a Life Partner
Dating tips for finding emotional intimacy and connection.
Recently I was thinking about how I used to behave in relationships—before I learned about the science of emotions and attachment.
I was tough on guys.
When my relationships were going smoothly, it was easy to act nice and be understanding. But during times of conflict, like when my guy wanted to see his friends instead of me, or watch a game on television rather than tend to me, or when he left his dirty socks in our living room, I took his actions personally.
Didn’t I matter?
What about me?
I got angry and sometimes I said mean things, which I almost always later regretted.
I’d speak in extremes: “You never do _______________!” Or, “You always do ___________________!”
My training as a psychotherapist for couples and individuals taught me the power and value of positive communication.
What I learned changed my personal life.
Romantic relationships are a challenge for everyone. No matter how great couples look on Facebook, no matter how many loving, hugging, kissing photos you see of your friends, no intimate relationship is trouble-free.
That’s because of two facts that are in complete conflict with each other:
1. All of us have inborn needs for love, care, and attention, which, when not met, trigger core emotions of anger and sadness in the brain. Over time, we can defend against these needs in a variety of ways. But that doesn’t mean the emotions aren’t happening; we’ve just blocked them from conscious experience.
2. People in relationships cannot realistically meet all of the needs of their partner.
Given these two facts, inevitably there will be times when we feel unloved, uncared for, unappreciated, hurt, and angered. That is not bad. That is not good. It just is!
Research by The Gottman Institute showed that how we handle our inevitable conflicts is a major predictor of relationship longevity. We can become pros at handling conflict. But, as the saying goes, it takes two to tango, so we must pick a partner who will work with us to build a long and satisfying relationship.
Following are 5 qualities to look for in a partner. These qualities help ensure that you will be able to move through the tough times and even grow closer as a result. I would even recommend putting these requirements on your dating profile page to weed out those not interested in healthy communication. Here’s a sample:
The 5 Qualities
1. The capacity for empathy. Empathy is the ability and willingness to put yourself in the skin of another person and imagine how they feel (which can be completely different from how you see and feel things). Without empathy, how do we understand each other? Without a capacity for empathy, treating you with compassion, kindness, and consideration will likely not be a priority for your partner.
2. Humor. When relationships are strained, humor can defuse a struggle and transform a moment from bad to better.
For example, Wayne knew just the right time to use humor with Jenna. He could tell when her mood shifted for the worse. Jenna all of a sudden became critical of Wayne, nitpicking at things she usually didn’t mind. Wayne could sense that Jenna was irritated with him.
Instead of getting defensive or withdrawing, two strategies that rarely help, he would say to her with warmth in his eyes and a goofy voice, “Are you trying to pick a fight with me?”
It stopped Jenna dead in her tracks and forced her to contemplate his question. “Am I trying to pick a fight?” she asked herself. “Yes, I guess I am.”
His humor made it possible for her to become aware of, and own, her anger. Now that her anger was conscious, she could figure out what was bugging her and talk about it with Wayne directly. She would not have been able to do that were it not for his humorous “invitation” to talk.
Humor is not always the right approach. But when it works, it works well.
3. The willingness to keep talking. Two people who love each other and are motivated to stay together have the power to work out virtually all conflicts. Working out conflicts, however, takes time, patience, and skillful communication. Partners have to find common ground or be all right with agreeing to disagree.
It takes a while to resolve conflicts because there can be many steps to cover until both people feel heard. Talking involves clarifying the problem, understanding the deeper meaning and importance of the problem, making sure each partner understands the other’s position, allowing for the emotions the topic evokes for each person, conveying empathy for each other, and brainstorming until a solution that feels right for both is found.
Problems have to be talked out until both people feel better.
4. Understands the basics of how emotions work. During strife, emotions run the show. Emotions are hard-wired in all of our brains the same way. No matter how smart or clever we are, no one can prevent emotions from happening, especially in times of conflict and threat. It is only after emotions ignite that we have some choice about how to respond. Some people react immediately, indulging their impulses. That’s how fights escalate. Others pause to think before they act. Thinking before we speak or act is best because it gives us much more control over the outcome of our interactions.
Without an understanding of emotions, your partner won’t understand you as well and she/he/they might criticize you for your feelings or react badly.
We want someone who won’t take our moods and gripes too personally; someone who instead of reacting will get curious and ask what has upset us. We want someone who will listen without getting defensive—or at least strives for that. We want someone who knows that sometimes there is nothing to fix and that listening patiently is a powerful tool for couples. And we want a partner who demands to be treated in the same understanding and caring way.
Honoring emotions does not mean you take care of your partner’s emotions at the expense of your own; that leads to resentment. Honoring your partner’s emotions also does not mean you allow yourself to be abused. It does mean that you care when your partner is upset and try to help.
5. Understands the importance of establishing ground rules. In the beginning of a relationship, things usually go smoothly. But when the courtship period ends, differences and disagreements start to come up. Before conflicts emerge, it is a good idea to talk about establishing a set of ground rules for arguments.
Ground rules are the rules for how to fight constructively. The goal is to learn specific ways that you can help each other in the midst of a disagreement. For example, you can agree to talk in a calm voice versus shouting at each other.
In setting ground rules, the idea is to anticipate conflicts and arguments and rehearse how to do damage control. You do this before the fight because during fights neither you nor your partner will be rational or calm, since you’ll be highjacked temporarily by your emotional brain. The goal is to stay respectful and connected while working through conflicts. Your partner learns how not to make matters worse for you; and you learn how not to make matters worse for them. Because each of you is the expert on yourself, you teach each other what you need when you feel bad, sad, angry, and the like.
Everyone has different triggers. An eye roll can send one person over the edge while having no effect on the other partner. So a ground rule might be DON’T ROLL EYES. Actions like walking out on a person in the middle of a discussion, threatening to break up, making your partner jealous, diminishing each other with insults, or being physically aggressive are all examples of threatening moves that trigger primitive survival reactions in the brain. No good ever comes from that.
My Ground Rules
We don’t insult each other.
We don’t walk away in the middle of a discussion without stating our intention to return and resume talking.
We don’t shout.
We remind each other that we love and care about each other even though we are angry.
We don’t dismiss each other’s feelings.
We don’t threaten to leave each other.
A conversation isn’t over until both people feel understood and better. But it is OK to take a break as long as we return at a later time or day to resolve the conflict.
How wonderful would it be to know exactly what your partner needs when he/she/they are upset so you could do something to help them?
How wonderful would it be if when you felt upset your partner knew just what you needed for comfort and gave it to you?
How wonderful would it be to know how to handle disagreements before they happen?
When you look at each other in the midst of a fight wondering, “What was it that I once liked about you?” you will be happy you discussed this moment before. Maybe you will even laugh together or take pride in the fact that you prepared for this moment, sharing, “Well, here we are, just like we discussed!” Hopefully, that brings some relief to the misery that a fight with a loved one brings.
Finding a partner with these 5 qualities may not be easy. And you will have to be somewhat vulnerable, summoning the courage to talk about these qualities. Hold on to the belief that you are worth it and that you deserve to be in a mutually satisfying relationship. Also, hold on to the fact that many people in the world want loving partnerships. These 5 qualities will guide you to finding your loving partner.
Article Link: 5 Qualities to Look for in a Life Partner